dimanche 20 novembre 2011

Tunisia / France: If Zine el-Abidine Ben Ali wrote to Nicolas Sarkozy? *

From: @ zine.el.abidine ben.ali.sa
Subject: Do not forget me.
Date: November 18, 2011 - 8:09:22 GMT +03:00
To: nico2012@elysee.fr
Cc: @ michele.alliot.marie placard.fr
Attachment (2): 122 KB, demande de grace.doc
                           225 kb, RIB, Liechtenstein.pdf
"Dear Nico,

It's me, your friend Zine El-Abidine.

         Even though I know you got me sulking for a few months, I decided to write to give you my news. I was hesitant to create a profile on Facebook, for fear of crossing Silm Amamou. At first, I thought write an anonymous letter, but by cutting the letters in Saudi newspapers, I had trouble finding the "z" and "y" to "Sarkozy".

I still live in Abha, southern Saudi Arabia, in this house that lends me the Saudi government. The days are as monotonous as the one of a Tunisian newspaper under my chairmanship. All day, I eat vine leaves stuffed with cucumber and yogurt.
         I reduced my intake of Alkabssa because I had already taken 15 pounds since my hasty departure from Tunis. I might end up obese like Idi Amin (former Ugandan dictator, fled to Saudi Arabia after the fall of his regime).
I even started wearing Hawaiian shirts he had left in Jeddah, to his death in August 2003. I do not hide that I have nostalgia for the m'hamsa and ommek houria ...
Here, it is still warmer than Tunis. Fortunately, all rooms have air conditioning, even the toilet. They even plan to cool a few blocks, as in Dubai.

My health is good, do not worry.

My family had made believe I was in a coma, but it was a strategy fabricated by my lawyers. A slight attack of hypoglycemia scared me, but some infusions based Zlabiya (you know, the Tunisian cakes) gave me up.
It remains for me to manage my prostate cancer. It's even harder to defeat than metastases of a popular insurrection! Do not worry, I am treated at King Faisal Hospital and I stopped racing camels exhausting my private parts. I hope that on your side, you have no vagal malaise.
I taste the joys of the family that I neglected because of my heavy responsibilities presidential. You know how I loved my people and how I did it a point to keep track.
At age 7, my son Mohamed is doing very well already hunting falcons. If it were not so young, he could support me in January ...
Communication with my daughter Halima is more difficult. Maybe it's age ... Maybe his break with Mehdi Ben Gaied comes, moreover, to be heard by the judge ... is perhaps the veil that it is to go to the supermarket. I do recognize her in the frozen aisle.
But it's my sweet Leila worries me most. She can not succeed in her suicide and depression so that she wants to end her life. Her only consolation was to call his brother Belhassen in Montreal. But the Saudi authorities have cut the phone line. They even threatened my better half to expel the Kingdom, if she was using his laptop for political purposes!

A rebellion came to Corrèze.

Sometimes there is water in the gas in our marriage, but it will go. Do not listen to rumors of divorce. You have better luck with your little family. A baby, it changes your life. But I learned that a "democratic wave" you also threatened. That hordes of Dutch had fomented a rebellion since the first constituency of Correze. Incorrigible ungrateful, these Corrézien ...
If your chair is threatened or if you want to spend Christmas in the sun, come home.There's the fall that sings. All birds are waiting for you. I fear that this time, the Mubarak family is not able to arrange your Christmas and New Year ...
If I can help, feel free. Even though I learned that you drop more friends like old slippers. Already, January 14, I was hurt that you refuse to welcome me avenue Foch. But I do not complain more. At least, I have not suffered the fate of Muammar. He will no longer have prostate problems, this one ...
Unable to contact Michele Alliot-Marie. Did she changed mobile number? I have not forgotten that she was declared "ready to Attend the Tunisia-keeping order."
         As we approach the summer, I wanted to send a package holiday with accommodation at the Hotel InterContinental Abha, 5 stars, hiking indoor swimming bath, around the Ka'aba (subject to conversion) and stoning of sunset. But I realized that Mom was no longer minister. What has not been my disappointment! Nico, you loose not only friends but also friends of friends?

You should know bet on the future.

I then had the idea to approach the new government's foals. I drew a few copies in the collection of a thousand pairs of shoes Leila and I have sent to Georges Tron. Alas, I realized too late that he had already left the French Secretary of State for Public Service ...
As it is better to go to God's holy, I took my courage in both hands, I decided to write you. I do not want to worry, Nick. Given the state of your popularity, perhaps we can help each other. Sentenced to 35 and 15 years in prison, I can still not expect to return to power in 2061! I can not even count on my son to succeed me. Al-Sakhr Materi fled to Qatar.
Nico, you're suspicious that the Islamists, do not you hear Hamadi Jebali sixth plan Caliphate?
          Do not you see that with Ennahdha, Imam replace the teacher that you regret it, has replaced "the priest or pastor?"
         Of course, an Islamic republic would boost the textile sector, I advocated bikini, while the niqab could come back into fashion ...
That's what I suggest. During my visit to France in 1997, I buried in the garden of the Elysée, a safe containing hundreds of jewelry, a few thousand dinars, foreign currency and bullion. Hollow under the weeping willow at the bottom left. No right is the sanctuary of the charms anti-Balladur.
If your predecessor has not squandered the loot, you can stop to court Liliane Bettencourt. Take half the treasure for your campaign in 2012. Do drop the other half on one of my last invisible accounts in Liechtenstein.
In exchange for this little funding, could you introduce discreetly, with the new Tunisian authorities, the application of grace that I join you?

Although to you.

Long live the friendship between France and Tunisia. "
(Almost) Zine El Abidine
PS Could you ask Carla if she has not a few pairs of Italian shoes it does more for Leila?

 * This letter designed by Damien Glez appeared in the newspaper SlateAfrique of November 18, 2011.

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